The Blood Under My Nails

The blood under my nails was black and I sat up in bed staring at it. I had been scratching in my sleep and my legs were raw and scabbed and the rash had spread.

Morning leaked in between the curtains and the hotel room was warm with a May heat. Marie came out of the bathroom. “I told you to bandage your fingertips last night.”

“I don’t need any fucking bandages. I wouldn't be able to sleep with them.”

“Well you wouldn't wake up bleeding itching and worse, either.”

“I’m hungry.”

“Me too. You want to bleach first and then find some breakfast?”

“No.”

“You should or else it will probably spread more today. At least the bleach might help slow it down.”

“Fine. Do we have any whiskey left?”

“I’ll look. Go get in the bath and if I find it, I’ll bring it in.”

I got out of bed. I wondered if I should leave a note for the maid, warning her, and decided I would but knew I’d forget.

Marie had showered while I was staring at my scabs and the bathroom floor was warm and wet and the mirror was still fogged. My legs burned a little where the skin was peeled back and I knew they would burn a lot more as soon as I hit that fucking water. I plugged the drain and poured what I assumed was a few cups of bleach into it then turned on the hot water and let it fill. It stung my eyes and I could feel the poison ivy curse me.

“You think this will stop me?” it asked. “Motherfucker, I can’t be stopped. I am forever. I will devour you.”

I heard it, but I didn't listen to it.

The tub filled and I climbed inside.

The burn was immediate and intense. It was hot and the bleach flooded every pore and wound and dried crack and I winced. The heat was enough to burn regardless. I clenched my jaw and lowered into the tub. It came up around my chest as I laid back and my balls burned and my legs burned and my asshole burned and all of the sensitive parts screamed at me to get out. To leap out. I clenched my teeth and prayed the bleach bath would kill the poison ivy.

Marie came in and she had the Jim Beam and handed the bottle to me. There was only half a bottle left after the night before but it was certainly better than nothing and if I were to drink a half a bottle of whiskey before breakfast I would probably have bigger problems than fucking poison ivy.

I unscrewed the cap and tossed it into the sink. I sipped and the whiskey was jarring and not the first thing you want to drink in the morning after drinking it all night.

I closed my eyes. My throat burned with each sip. My body burned with each second. What a fucking honeymoon, I thought.

Poem for the quarterlife crisis.

Kill everything.
Learn nothing.
Be free.

Validation

The bar was crowded and it was late and daylight would slice through the street and shatter all of the windows and infect all of us with dread and panic and regret before long. For now we all tried to ignore it. It was the night that would never end and we all knew it. I was out of money and someone had ordered a pitcher and wasn't paying attention so I took their pitcher and cups back to a booth and sat and watched the people while Marie stood in line for the bathroom. It was a long line and I would probably finish the pitcher before she got back. I poured a cup and accepted it as a challenge. There was an endless, seething and swaying sea of people and I knew that we were all breaking some code in some city law book somewhere.

"Is anyone sitting here?" a blonde girl asked me. She wasn't my type. I could see how she would be pretty, but she was plain to me. I had a head and blood full of all manner of shit, and I thought I was a little bored and I could probably fuck her and Marie would probably be into it, but I had a head and blood full of all manner of shit and there was no goddamned way I'd be able to. I was happy to be standing. Or sitting, I suppose.

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Good." She stuck out her hand. I shook it. "Happy New Years!" she said loudly.

"Happy New Year."

"This is my friend Todd," she said. 

I nodded. He didn't notice me.

"He won't fuck me."

"Sorry."

"Can I have a beer?" she asked.

"Sure." I poured her one. Had I paid for it I wouldn't have. I handed it off. I looked to see if Todd wanted one but he was staring at a girl in a very short black skirt climbing over the walls of one of the booths and I watched for a second also to see what I could see. I sipped my beer, saw what she showed, and didn't care anymore.

"What's your name?" I asked the blonde girl.

"Tara. What about you?"

"James."

"Nice to meet you James. You have a girlfriend?"

"No. I 'm married."

"Oh. Is she here?"

"Yeah. She's in line for the bathroom."

"It's a long line."

I took a drink. "Yep."

"Todd won't fuck me," she said.

"You said that. Why not?"

"Because I don't know. His girlfriend is my best friend but she got all fucking pissed at something and left and now we're hanging out and I keep trying to fuck him but he won't fuck me because his girlfriend is a fucking cunt."

"Why?" I asked.

"Why is she a cunt?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. Jesus. Who cares. I just want to get fucked." She pulled her skirt up her thighs until I could see her black lace. She swallowed her beer. It was nearly full.

"I'm sure someone here will fuck you."

She took the liberty of pouring herself another beer.

"You like girls who take control?" she asked. "Girls with confidence?"

"Sure. Also manners. I dig manners quite a bit." Todd had left. I noticed the booth climber was gone also. I put two and two together and thought Todd had chosen the lesser of two evils.

"I've got manners. Daddy." She pulled herself closer to me and I could see down her top. "You like being called that?"

"I don't have any money," I said.

She didn't hear me or didn't care.

"Hey bitch," Marie said from next to me. 

The blonde girl looked up. 

"How about you stop crawling all over my husband. If he was into you, he'd be into you by now. Fuck off."

The blonde girl sat upright, straightened her back and looked at me. She puffed herself out.

I looked at Marie. "Hey beautiful. How was the bathroom?"

"Fine. What's happening here?"

"I have no idea. Her and some dude came over. He wouldn't fuck her because girlfriend something or other. She keeps taking my beer."

The blonde girl drank more and poured more.

"Where'd you get the beer?"

"Stole it."

"Oh. So what's the deal?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are we doing something, or what?"

"Are you into it?"

"Sure. Hey, blondie?"

The blonde girl looked at Marie and at her black dress and her lace stockings and saw every inch of her. "Hmm?"

"You coming home with us?" Marie asked.

Blondie looked at me. Then at Marie. She leaned over me and pressed against me and barely audibly said to Marie "Whether you like it or not."

Marie raised an eyebrow then stood up and put her coat on. I didn't know what Marie or Blondie were expecting. I was pretty much out of the game. I tried to imagine it and assumed they'd just take the back seat  in the car for a while and I'd get us home and I'd go to bed and let them hate each other in the living room. 

"Well let's go then," I said. I slid out from the table and put my coat on.

Blondie climbed up on the bench and I could see her underwear and I thought that maybe I could still get into it and her heel slipped and she fell off of the bench and hit the table and rolled off. 

Laughter all around us.

I leaned down. "Hey. Idiot. You okay?"

"Yeah, just, my balance," she said. I reached down and she took my hand and I pulled her up. She pulled in close to me and tried to kiss me and her breath was beer and desperation. "You going to fuck me big man? You going to fuck me good?" I sat her on the bench.

"Stay here," I said. "I'm going to get a cab."

"You stay here," she said. and pointed at me vaguely and collapsed onto the bench.

Marie and I looked at her and I took Marie's hand and shuffling and sliding through the thick choke of  celebrators we left the bar. 

"Poor girl," Marie said. "She seemed sad."

"Yeah."

"I have to bum a cigarette off of someone," Marie said. "Bum me a cigarette."

"Okay." I found a girl who would give me a cigarette if she could flash me and I thought it was a fair trade.

Nothing People Don't Already Know.

Revelations can be small. And sometimes they're things you thought were true and suddenly they are true. Sometimes they come in the night, in the dark and nearly in dreams. Sometimes they come when your heart is racing faster than it ever should and your sinus' burn and you can't get that fucking taste out of your mouth, and suddenly you just know. You know it's all bullshit. You know nothing matters. You know you are the wall and the shame and the guard and you know that you are the light and the freedom and the love. It's always been you and now you know it is only you.

It's only me and only these old ideas and none of them matter.