Falls (Part 9): We're Not Going Fast. It's Okay.

21.

I walked to a bar by the shore a day or so later and ordered a burger and a beer. The bar was the same that Bev and I had sat at a few weeks back. It was empty now and a breeze swept off the lake and into the open patio. One other guy was there, talking to the bartender. Over my occasional chewing, I could hear their conversation a little and even though it was only about one in the afternoon the guy was loaded and trying to pull the bartender back to his hotel. He looked a few years out of college and it didn't seem like he was living for much, but we all have bad days and we all end up looking like shit once in a while. She was playing nice. Trying to get a decent tip, I supposed. Eventually the guy gave up and left a twenty on the bar and walked away. The bartender came over. 

"How's everything, sweetie?" 

"Good, thank you." 

"Is there anything I can get for you?" 

"No thanks. Well, maybe another beer, and then the check." 

"Sure thing, sweetie." 

I wondered if the other guy had been called 'sweetie' and if he took it literally. It happens. 

I looked at my phone and thought about calling Tom. I'd finish my meal and think about it later. I missed his songs, but maybe it was better I didn't call. I thought maybe I'd go look for a panama hat. 

Marie was home. She had an idea for a painting that she wanted to get out of her and Bev was halfway into a bottle of wine and had no desire for clothes apparently, so I was alone. I wondered if Marie was getting any painting done with Bev around and a blade of jealousy crept up under my ribs and I drank from my beer and my mind wandered. 

My girl. 

I imagined her smiling and kissing and without me and moments between them would happen and I'd have no part in it. I drank my beer and finished my burger and the bartender brought over the second beer and the check. 

"Actually," I said, "I'll have a whiskey, too. Double. Neat." 

"Sure thing, sweetie." She took the check back and I drank most of the beer in the time it took for her to pour the whiskey. She gave me the drink and took my bottles and my plate. 

I threw it back. 

I thought that maybe I was looking at it wrong. Maybe jealousies were going to pop up. Maybe nothing was happening and nothing would happen. Nothing had happened since the other night, save for Bev foregoing clothes and everyone seemed to be a little more comfortable. 

I never thought of myself as jealous. It didn't taste well. 

The check was a little under twenty and I left thirty. 

"Thanks sweetie," the bartender said. "Have a nice afternoon." 

"You too," I said. The whiskey had warmed me and I had the beginnings of a day buzz. 

I had my love, Marie. We had talked about it all a few more times since. Well, I had and she had listened and reassured, cool as a cucumber. I still had her though and I trusted her when she said she loved me and that I shouldn't worry. 

22. 

I had moved my typewriter upstairs into Tom’s space. There were dark corners and in the evenings if I cracked the small window, a nice breeze would sometimes slip through the attic and I understood why he was always up there. 

Crouched in the dim lamp’s light with a tape of Tom’s guitar playing soft I began another story. It felt like the eightieth one in a month, and probably the eightieth one to be left unfinished. A man lying in the road and cars drove over him and over him and as they drove they would slow and the drivers would stick their heads out of their windows and say ‘We’re not going fast. It’s okay.’ I liked it but it felt more like a dream than a story. It wasn’t novel material. I pulled the sheet out of the machine and set it beside me. I stared at the tape deck and in weeks passed his fingers had changed and bent and the melodies changed and bent and I closed my eyes. 

We’re not going fast. It’s okay. 

I was unsettled. 

23. 

We were at the beach. The air had begun to cool and there were moments sometimes that felt like autumn, but not then. It was warm and the sun was going down. There was no one else around and the three of us were sitting on towels, each with a bottle of wine and Marie played old Joan Jett records through her phone. I sipped from the bottle and stared at the lake. 

“You going in?” Marie asked. 

“Maybe,” I said. “Not sure if I’m ready yet.” I sipped again. 

Marie rested her head on my shoulder. “I love you.” 

“I love you.” 

Bev stood up. “Come on. Get up. We’re going in.” She took a large drink from her bottle, corked it and threw it in the sand. “Let’s go.” She ran in and after a few crashing steps fell hard into the water. “Jesus fuck it’s cold!” she yelled as she came back up. “Get in!” She pulled herself up and then dove back under and swam out. 

Marie stood up. 

“You hate cold water,” I said. 

“Come on, let’s go.” She reached her hand down to me. I took it and she pulled me up to her and kissed me. 

“Come on!” Bev said from the lake. “The waters horrible!” 

I took a long drink. “Okay.” 

Marie ran in after Bev, and was more graceful than Bev had been, but still ended in a crash. “Oh!” 

Bev laughed and swam over to her. 

“Jesus Christ!” Marie said. 

I walked toward the water, bottle in hand. “You should have brought wine. Keep you warm.” 

Bev swam up close to Marie and wrapped her arms around her. “She don’t need no stupid wine. She has me.” 

“I told you before Bev, you’re going to have to fight me for her.” 

“Then drag your ass in here, tough guy.” 

I walked slow into the water and my legs were nearly numb by the time my stomach was wet. My toes were. The two swam over to me making boat noises and then Bev started mumbling the theme from Jaws. 

“Don’t do it Bev,” I said. 

Marie circled around me in the water, continuing the boat noises. Bev slowed and the theme grew quicker. 

“Don’t do it.” 

Quicker. Quicker. Her eyes grew wide and she leapt out of the water and crashed on top of Marie. 

Marie yelled and gurgled and then came back up and laughed and Bev laughed and they threw each other around and I sipped from my wine. 

The water was black where the girls weren't and further out reflections of the town and the dim sky. If they were still they’d be hidden. I finished my wine and threw the bottle back toward our towels. It hit the beach and rolled a bit and I listened to the girls and laid back into the water. The cold ripped into every poor and crack in my skin and filled my bones. My lungs stopped for a second and my heart and my blood but my brain was electrified and I went under. I kept my eyes open and liquid sky above me was small, no larger than a dinner plate, and black all around me. My chest, filled with air, pulled me toward the surface. The air was cold and I stayed a bit crouched. Bev swam to me and took my hand and pulled me to Marie and where they were playing and when I was there Bev put her hand on the back of my head, through my roping hair and kissed me. I kept my eyes open and she used her whole mouth and it was a kiss she meant. I watched as she pulled Marie closer to us and Marie pulled at Bev and kissed her and it was a kiss she meant. I kept my eyes open and the dimming grays and purples in the sky above me were small, no larger than a dinner plate, and black all around me. Their hands moved and disappeared under the water. Into each other’s mouths they made soft sounds and hands were on me and soon our clothes were on the shore and the world was black, save for streetlamps.

Falls (Pt. 8): And Under the Empty Sky

19.

The girls were loud but not shouting. Everything is louder at night. Marie had put on a light dress and Bev had thrown on cutoffs and a bikini top. They were holding hands and swinging back and forth down the road, passing a joint back and forth and the other tequila bottle swung heavy in Marie's bag. I had a messenger bag around my chest and in it was the Franzia, gutted from the box. I had a full water bottle in my hand and when it was empty I would just refill it. I drank from it and Marie offered me the joint but most of the time pot gives me panic attacks and I can't breathe or move and for weeks afterward I know how terrible I am. I passed.

I was looking for the baseball field.

"Wait," Marie said, stopping. "Fucking... Rock." She pulled her sandal off and shook it and something bounced off of the pavement and Marie put her sandal back on. "Better."

"Carry me," Bev said to Marie.

"Fuck you. Carry me," Marie said.

"Carry us," Bev said to me.

"Carry me," I said. "It's my birthday."

"Ha," Marie said. "I got you a typewriter. Make Bev carry you."

"Bev," I said.

"What?"

"You know what. It's piggy back time."

"What? How'd I get roped into this?" she said. "I wanted to be carried first."

"Marie bought me a typewriter," I said.

"Yeah, but, I didn't tell you about it."

"I'm coming aboard," I said.

"Ugh," Bev said, stopping and squatting down. I pulled myself a little up her back and immediately all was lost. "Oh,  shit..." Bev's legs gave and we fell hard against the pavement. My bag swung heavy around me and we laid in the street while Marie laughed.

"Fuck," Bev said.

I got up and readjusted my bag. "Bev you need some muscles." I helped her up and she elbowed me.

"Fat ass," she said.

Marie opened the tequila and drank and passed it to Bev. I drank from my water bottle.

"My knee's bleeding," Bev said.

"Oh, Bev," Marie said moving closer to Bev and brushing her hair away from her face. "Your head too."

"Christ, don't touch it."

"Does it hurt?" Marie asked.

"It's fine. Ugh, stupid fucking birthday boy. Fuckin' birthday piggy back bullshit."

"You might have a concussion," Marie said.

"No, I'm fine."

A small trail of blood ran from her hairline and down to her eyebrow.

"Okay. we'll see in the morning," Marie said.

Bev drank from the tequila and passed it back to Marie. "What happened to the joint?"

"Gone," Marie said.

We rounded the corner where I had first seen the field.

"What time is it?" I asked.

Marie dug around in her purse and checked her phone. "A little after ten."

I looked at the houses in front of the baseball field. One of them had the lights on and there were people moving around but another did not and I thought that at ten or so that meant no one was home. I thought about going inside but then thought I shouldn't. "We can go through the backyard," I said.

"To where?" Marie asked.

"The goddamned ball field," Bev said. "I knew it."

"You didn't know shit," I said.

"I knew as soon as we left."

"We don't have to," I said. "We can go down by the water. Or the park."

Marie rested her head on my shoulder. Bev took another drink of tequila. "Come on," she said and quickly walked across the front yard. She was hidden in shadow and gone.

Marie kissed my neck and wrapped her arms around my stomach. "I love you," she said.

"Where'd that come from?"

"I just do."

I kissed the top of her head. We followed Bev.

At the end of the backyard there was a chain link fence and plants grew along it, over it, through it. I could see the field clearly now and a fair amount of brush between it and us.

"I'm going to climb this in a dress?" Marie said.

"Yep," Bev said. She climbed up the fence and it rattled and sang. She got to the top and swinging her leg over slipped and fell off the fence into the brush below. She laid there a second. "Ow. Shit," she said, rolling over and pulling herself up.

"You all right?" I asked.

"Fine, just, you know, on the ground again."

"I'm not feeling super confident," Marie said.

"No, it's fine," Bev said. "You can do it, I'm just drunk. I'll catch you if you fall."

Marie began her climb and pushed a hand against my shoulder and I held her steady on my end and looked up her dress because I always will. She swung a leg over and took Bev's hand and Bev grabbed her leg and then hips and Marie put her arm around Bev and I thought they would fall, but they didn't and then Marie was fine. Standing in the brush. "Thanks hon," Marie said to me. "Hons, I guess," she said, kissing Bev on the cheek.

I threw my bag into the brush then wondered if the wine burst inside it and if it did I might just leave the bag there. I climbed over and looked in the bag and the wine was still in the bag and I drank from my water bottle. I took Marie's hand and we stumbled through the dark and the overgrowth. The field opened up in front of us. We were in left field. and I wondered how many snakes could have bit me just then.

Bev ran out into the field with the tequila bottle and spun herself around with her arms out. "It's better now," she said when she stopped. "Better."

Marie and I walked out to her, onto the short grass under the large sky.

"What is?" Marie asked.

"Just, everything." Bev collapsed onto the grass and laid back, staring up at the sky.

I dropped my wine down and sat next to Bev and Marie laid down with her legs across my lap and her head on Bev's stomach. I thought about Tom. I had heard nothing. Bev seemed to have forgotten. I laid down on the grass and I thought about him in the hospital. If he was awake, or home, or anything else. I pulled my bag near my face and pulled the sack of wine out of it and put the spigot in my mouth and opened it up. The warm wine poured into my mouth and my head swam and the night was warm and the ground was firm and my girls whispered to each other. I was starting to lose my mood to the booze and found myself nestling into the depths.

Marie shifted herself around brought herself up onto her elbows on the ground. "You have blood on your face," she said to Bev.

"Still?"

"Yes."

I looked at the sky. The stars. The void and the chaos I'll never know and will never know me.

"You're beautiful though," Marie said.

"Still?"

"Yes."

"I love you," Bev said.

"I love you."

I could hear them pull from the tequila. I looked over at them. Marie kissed Bev, or Bev kissed Marie, and they shifted themselves to be closer and in the empty field, under the empty sky, I drank more wine and Marie came to me and kissed me. Bev came to us.

And under the empty sky.

20.

I felt as though I was in concrete before I could open my eyes in the morning. Thick sheets of fog and nausea. Heat poured in through the window and Marie was everywhere all around me, making it impossible to shift. I had to piss and I was hungry but I feared that if I moved even off of the bed I would collapse and throw up the box of wine from the night before. I attempted to open my eyes but the tiniest splinter of light shot through my retinas and bore straight through my skull and brain and skull again. I kept them closed and laid still deciding which terrible problem I would face first. I needed coffee and a shower and a good teeth brushing.

Marie was all around me and on my right she shuffled. She pulled her head close into my shoulder and made a soft noise against my skin. Her hand moved across my chest and I realized there were too many limbs around.

Bev was with us and I felt skin. Sticking hot, and everywhere. Marie curled up against me raising her leg across my torso, doing nothing to lessen my pissneed. Her fingers ran through my chest hair and I could feel Bev's foot between my ankles and her thigh against mine and her arm stretched across me, landing somewhere on Marie. All of our breath was horrible and the lingering sweat hung in the air all around us. I was panicked now and as my heart beat faster I tried to remember everything.

The walk, the field, the stars. The girls, hands, the sounds. The dark. I didn't, probably couldn't, remember coming home. Everything was in shards and piecing them together seemed impossible and I tried desperately to figure out how to get Bev out of the room before Marie woke up.

Marie kissed my neck. "Good morning my love," she said gently.

"Hon, Bev's here," I said.

She lifted her head a bit and smiled. "She was tuckered." She put her head back down on my shoulder and continued rubbing her hand on my skin. "Do you want coffee?"

"Well, yeah. I do. Is this okay? Are you?"

"What, last night?"

"Yeah?"

"Come on. Let's let Bev sleep." Marie slowly moved off of me and I followed. Bev must have felt us leaving somewhere in her dream. She moaned and rolled flat on her stomach and spread out across the bed. I could still see dried blood on her face and I could see we all had dirt and grass marks on us and shit in our hair. I followed Marie out of the bedroom. She didn't wrap up, but I threw on my cutoff sweatpants and then I watched her ass wiggle and hips sway, but my heart was still beating quick and and I was trying to figure her out.

My head was heavy and swayed with each step and when Marie carried on into the kitchen I stopped at the bathroom and couldn't piss fast or hard enough. Even after I was done I felt like I still had to. I washed my hands and splashed water on my face and looked at the bags under my eyes and the dirt marks on me and pulled a small twig from my hair. There was dried blood on my side and I assumed it was Bev's. I didn't think I would throw up, but the anxiety wasn't helping. I brushed my teeth and swished around a shot of mouthwash and then left the bathroom. In the kitchen I found Marie drinking a glass of water and sitting nude at the kitchen table while the coffee pot gurgled.

"I didn't think you were ever coming out," Marie said.

"Christ. Had a lot in me."

"Coffee will be done soon."

"Cool. So, last night...?"

"Are you okay?"

"Well, I mean, are you?"

"I am. I'm pretty hungover, and I'm not sure I'll be very adventurous today, but I'm good. How much do you remember?"

"Not a ton, really. I mean, I know we all, in the field, but I don't remember coming home or, really anything after the field."

"Yeah, it's all pretty hazy for me too, but, I still love you."

"I love you. Why do you say it like that?"

"Well with Bev and I sort of being together last night."

"I was there too."

"Oh, yeah, I know, but we kind of started it. I didn't want you to think I was just moving on, or moving away or whatever. I don't know."

"What about me?"

"That's what I'm saying, I want you to know that my feelings for you, and us, haven't changed."

"No, I mean, I had a part in things too. You aren't afraid I'll, I don't know, feel differently?"

"Do you?"

"No."

"Then no. I love you. I trust you."

The coffee stopped. "You want a cup?"

"Yes please."

I got up and took two mugs from the dish drainer and filled them with coffee and gave her one and I sat down again.

"So, where does that leave us?" I asked.

"Don't get weird on me."

I laughed.

"It doesn't leave us anywhere. I don't know. Do you need to claim everything? It moves us forward. Right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we crossed this line in our relationship and we both woke up in the morning, and no hearts were broken and we're sitting here smiling and having coffee and we both feel good about everything. We moved forward, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose we did."

"Do you not feel good about it?"

"No, I do, I guess, I don't know. I guess I just didn't expect it?"

"Really? With all of the flirting the past couple of weeks? With all of the 'your girls' stuff? Of course it was going to happen. And honestly, I'm pretty glad it did. I don't know, Bev's a mess sometimes, but she's, what's the word... refreshing."

I let that word rattle around for a second. Refreshing. I wondered if that meant she thought we had become stale or if I had become stale, but I couldn't see it on her. Not before, and not now and I thought that a perfect day could always be better with a glass of wine, and maybe that's what she meant. Bev was wine. Refreshing.

"Are you into her?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she laughed. "I mean, I fucked her, so yeah, I guess you could say I'm into her. Am I head over heels, butterflies and sonnets for her? No, but I really like being around her. I feel comfortable with her, and I think she's beautiful. I don't want to be all like 'I like-like her' or anything, but like I said, I'm into her. I like her. I'm glad."

My coffee was cool enough to drink now and I drank about half of it. "Okay."

"Are you upset? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.."

"I'm not upset. A little surprised is all."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Listen, I don't know what's going to happen next. Maybe nothing, maybe who knows. I'm not hoping for anything, I'm not thinking anything, but things do happen. If you think a line is getting crossed that shouldn't be, or if jealousy gets you, or if you think at all that our relationship, yours and mine, is in danger, we can stop. Just say the word."

"It seems like you're thinking a little seriously about this now anyways."

"I'm just trying to look out for you and us is all. I feel like these things should be brought up and discussed as soon as anything is a possibility. Like I said, maybe something will happen next, maybe nothing happens ever again. I just want to be prepared."

"Okay."

"I love you," she said.

"I love you."

Falls (Pt. 7): Baby Blue

16.

Marie and I got the cake together and Bev kept knocking her heels against the cabinet door under the counter she was sitting on. The radio was on and early 90's punk streamed out of it. I was starting in on the box of wine and then the girls were finishing their beers as I slid the cake pan into the oven.

"Forty minutes," I said.

"What time is it now?" Marie asked.

I checked my phone. "Three forty two."

"So... Four twenty two?" Marie asked.

"Yep."

"What the hell can we do for forty minutes?" Bev asked.

"Presents?" I asked.

"Nope," Marie said. "Still haven't wrapped it."

"Well go wrap it, you've got almost an hour."

"Ugh. First," she finished her beer. "Let's open the tequila up. Just a shot now."

"You sure?" I asked. "You're going to want more than a shot."

"No, one now. I'll go up and wrap your gift, then another one then, then the cake will be baked, and we'll eat and the cake will reset me back to sober."

"We have to wait for it to cool and frost it," Bev said. "That's another twenty minutes."

"Well, three shots then. One every twenty minutes," Marie said.

"Okay," I said. "Just don't get too shitty that you're out for the night."

"You have plans for the night?" Marie asked as she poured two shots for her and Bev.

"No, but you never know."

The girls threw back their shots and Marie kissed me, smiling, and went to the bedroom.

"She's going to be shitfaced before the cake is done," Bev said.

"Maybe, we'll see. I don't think she will, but we'll see."

I re-filled my glass with wine. "What'd she get me?"

"No fucking idea. I didn't even know it was your birthday until she told me this morning. Otherwise I would have picked you up something."

"Well, thanks, but I don't need anything. I was just fucking with her about presents anyway."

"You wanna do a shot with me?"

"How about after this glass?"

"Okay," she said. "I'm going to go check on her, see if she needs help."

"All right."

Bev scurried off to the bedroom and I went into the living room and sat down with my wine. I could still hear the music from the kitchen. I stared out the front window at the street and the nobody in it and the leaves on the tree in front of the house swayed gently with the breeze. I put my feet up on the coffee table and thought it may have been my favorite birthday so far, for no particular reason.

17.

I had finished the glass and got up to pour another. I finished that one at the kitchen table with my feet on a chair and the timer went off. The cake was done. I took it out and set it on the stove to cool. There was only one tequila bottle now and I figured Bev took the other. I poured another glass of wine and waited for my gift. An hour had passed.

I turned the music down, pored another glass, went in the living room again and the house was quiet. I heard Bev laugh.

"Shut up," Marie said, muffled through the walls and door.

Bev laughed again, though quieter. I heard the door open and both of them laughing as they came down the short hallway.

Bev was in the living room first. She was in her underwear again and dancing with a half empty tequila bottle.

"What happened to your clothes?" I asked.

"We lost them," Marie said as she turned the corner. Marie also was in her underwear and had a large box wrapped messily in red Christmas wrapping paper. "We didn't need them. You don't either," she said as she set the box onto the table in front of me. "Lose 'em cowboy."

"Cowboy?" I asked.

"You heard the lady," Bev said. "Lose 'em. We got a cake to frost."

Marie nodded. "Best be lost by the time we get back. Also, I had a bit more tequila."

"I can tell."

She smiled, bent over and kissed me. "You don't mind though, do you."

"Not at all."

"Of course he doesn't," Bev said. "Best birthday ever." The girls both cat-walked into the kitchen.

"Can I open the present?" I asked loudly. I finished my wine and set my glass down.

"Not until after cake," Marie said.

I sat back and let my head swim with warmth and my skin buzzed. I laid back on the couch with my head on one armrest and my feet on the other. I thought I could fall asleep. I was relaxed and I felt calm and nice and protected. I felt dreams bubbling up from some lost pocket and I felt no desire to write them. I felt my head exhale and soften and I could hear the girls in the kitchen talking and laughing.

I fell a little asleep and was awoken with a jolt. I opened my eyes to see Bev and Marie, each with one of my pant legs pulling backward.

"We told you to lose'em," Marie said.

"Jesus Christ, alright, alright," I said. "Let me get my fucking belt undone." I lifted myself up a little and undid my belt. My pants slid off and Bev threw them in the corner. I heard my wallet land somewhere in the hallway and tried to note that.

Marie climbed over the arm of the couch slow on her knees, kissing my legs as she went.

"The view right now," Bev said.

Marie laughed and stared at me. "Sit up."

I did and she backed up a little on me and lifted my shirt over my head, pulled it off and threw it somewhere else. I was wearing black boxer briefs and shameless. The wine had stolen it from me.

Marie pushed me back down and began to kiss me. She ran her hands down my chest and torso and gripped at me through my underwear.

"Hey, guys," Bev said.

I kissed Marie back and pulled at her ass and thighs and ran my fingers down her.

Marie pulled up. "Time for cake."

I sat up as Marie climbed off of me, walked toward the kitchen and kissed Bev on the way.

"I get one too?" Bev asked, smiling.

"James gets a kiss, Bev gets a kiss, everybody gets a kiss. It's a birthday," Marie said from the kitchen. "Now, come get cake!"

"She's mine, Bev," I said, climbing off the couch. "Don't make me fight you."

"She's ours and you know it. Besides, you couldn't take me."

Bev kissed me on the cheek when I walked by her and followed me into the kitchen.

"Sit," Marie said and Bev and I took seats at the table. Marie was lighting candles and when they were lit she lifted the cake up and began to carry it over, singing the song.

Bev joined in the singing and I thought again that it may have been my best birthday so far and I was smiling and the girls were singing, beautiful and for me and I had nothing to worry about and nowhere to be.

Marie set the cake on the table. I blew the candles out. The cake was good. Rich, thick. The frosting was, well, the icing on the cake. I decided it was my new favorite cake. We each had some and washed it down with wine and the girls took pictures with their phones and I sat at the head of the table with one on each side and they both kissed a cheek and Marie took the picture. My girls.

18.

After cake Marie and Bev cleaned up and Marie brought the large gift to the table. "Happy birthday, honey." She smiled and I loved her.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's a gift. Open it."

I had to stand to open from the top and I tried to remove the paper neatly, peeling back the tape and trying not to rip it, but some of it ripped and under it all was a large cardboard box, sealed with packaging tape. "Hand me a knife, or keys."

Bev handed me a butter knife from the counter and I pressed against the tape until it popped and I pulled back on the knife, sliding down through the tape and savored the moment. I opened the box and what looked like a suitcase was inside it.

"It's not a suitcase," Marie said.

I pulled it out and I knew then what it was. I had seen it a few weeks back at a garage sale and hemmed and hawed over whether or not I should buy it. I set it flat against the table and pressed the releases on the case. It popped up a bit and I opened it all the way and inside sat the beautiful baby blue Smith Corona. Immediately I thought of sitting on the porch and the typing away, of carting it's hard plastic shell around town and setting up under a tree and I'd wear a panama hat and smoke a joint and poetry would pour out. Vibrant and alive, and people would note to themselves if they noticed me "that man, that man writing away, he certainly looks the part. He certainly must be the real deal. He's a writer all right. Best to just admire him from afar."

It was beautiful.

I kissed Marie. "Thank you."

"Do you like it?" she asked.

"It's beautiful. I love it."

"Man, she wouldn't shut up about it," Bev said.

"I couldn't," Marie said. "I don't know how I kept it secret."

I ran my fingers across the keys. Smooth, indented, and clean. "When did you get it?"

"The day we saw it. When we were there I told the lady to put it aside. That it was for your birthday. Then you and Bev went to get drinks, remember?"

"Oh, yes."

"See, I helped," Bev said. "So, it's not like I didn't get you anything."

"Thank you Bev," I said.

I kissed Marie again. "Thank you, my love."

"Happy birthday," she said.

"Happy birthday James," Bev said.

We had a few more drinks and Bev and Marie danced and they asked me to dance but I never thought dancing was a good idea but I enjoyed watching them, moving with and against each other and I wouldn't be telling you the truth if I said my mind didn't wander. It was my birthday and sometimes things happen. The girls killed the first bottle of tequila and I was well into the Franzia.

"Put your shoes on," I said to them after a little while. "I want to explore."

"Explore!" they said together.

I put my pants on and shoes and shirt. I thought it probably would be nice to have a panama hat.

Falls (Pt. 6): French Toast and Cake and Girls

12.

The house was hollowed. The life had been sucked from it and now the three of us drifted through it. Marie and I together, and sometimes Bev, though we rarely saw her. Four days passed. Marie and I would knock on the crawlspace door and call to Bev and ask if she wanted to lie in the park with us but she would  say no. Sometimes we could hear her strumming Tom's guitar and I wondered if she remembered he was breaking up with her before all of this and if she thought this was some great tragic romance.

13.

Lying in the park, my head in Marie's lap I was scribbling in my notebook. I had abandoned the story of the young man in his dead fathers house. I wrote about us. In June the four of us were something else. We were friends and we were happy. We had the summer ahead of us and it felt like it was our summer alone. As if no one else would ever understand our months because they were not meant for them. We circled each other and the sun fueled us and the water cooled us and the booze warmed us and we were a single unit forever, the four of us.

Now it was Marie and I and we lived with a ghost. The adventure had disappeared and the irresponsibility had disappeared and with the coming autumn I felt the world tolling behind.  Soon it would be time to look at the bank account and soon it would be time to drive back to the city and soon it would be cold.

"We have a couple months left on the house," I said.

"Yes... we do...? Where did that come from?" Marie was reading a book about kissing and vampires, shaded by a large straw hat she had bought from a shop on the strip the day before.

"I was just thinking. This is the end, you know. Today, yesterday, tomorrow. These are all the epilogue. We're in the clearing smoke after the great bomb. The end. Go home, kids."

"Don't be such a dramatic ass. We're still here. We've got until the end of September to be here." She put her book down and wrapped her arms around the front of me. "It's not the clearing smoke. It's August. The 'dog days'. There's a reason they call it that. Shit slows down. Of course the middle of summer would blow up like that. I mean Christ, how'd we not see it coming? July burns so bright and hard."

"I think we just assumed it would be Bev."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But that's no reason to think the world is ending. In a couple of months the cold will be here and you'll be pacing around the house and shivering and this clearing smoke will be a paradise to you."

"Well, sure. I guess I just thought the whole summer would be perfect. We'd all go back to New York in the fall and we'd have an entire summer to look back on and smile. It's, I don't know, tainted now. Seems like a waste."

Marie kissed my forehead. "Things happen. That doesn't mean I won't smile about all of this later. I have had a wonderful, sometimes strange, and beautiful time here with you."

"So you think we should stay then?"

"In the house?"

"Yeah."

"Of course. I mean, we have almost two months left on it. Who knows what could happen in two months?"

I smiled a little and Marie went back to her book. The grass was soft under me and the sun was warm above me and I began a short story about times from earlier in the summer.

Hands moved, I wrote.

14.

It was my birthday. The day before I had picked up a box of wine for myself and a couple of bottles of tequila for the girls. Bev had been more of a presence over the last few days and there was no more cocaine that I had seen and the day was bright.

I slept until noon and when I woke up I pulled a cut-off pair of pajama pants on and after pissing walked into the kitchen. Marie was in a black bathing suit and had an apron around her. She was cooking french toast and I walked over to her and held her hips from behind her and kissed her neck.

"Mmm, good morning you," she said.

"Good morning beautiful. Is that for me?"

"What this? The french toast?"

"Yep."

"Nope, that's for Bev. If you want some you'll have to fight her for it."

I looked behind me and Bev was at the kitchen table in in her underwear. She held her fists up. "I ain't afraid to knock out no birthday boy."

I laughed. Marie kissed me. "Now sit so I can finish cooking."

I poured a cup of coffee and sat next to Bev. "How're you feeling?" I asked her.

"Hungry for french toast."

"Good luck. What do you guys want to do today?"

"It's your day honey," Marie said. "What do you want to do?"

"Cake and presents?"

Bev laughed. "With thirty little candles, too?"

"Twenty seven," I said.

"Oh shit, sorry. Twenty seven." Bev snickered and Marie came over with a plate of french toast. Peanut butter spread over them and a lake of maple syrup on top.

Marie kissed my cheek. "Happy birthday my love."

"Thank you, honey."

"I have your present, but I was lazy and didn't wrap it. If you want a cake today we'll have to walk into town and buy ingredients. You usually don't want cake so I didn't get anything."

"We'll see. Maybe."

"Okay, just let me know."

I ate my french toast and drank a glass of milk. We sat there in the kitchen and Marie and Bev had egg whites and we drank coffee and laughed as Marie told us a story about the first time she made french toast. The light bloomed through the window and the sounds of the world danced in the distance and I thought about how nice it all was. The girls smiled and I smiled and how nice it all was.

15.

I held Marie's hand and Bev walked next to us on our way to the grocery store. Marie was wearing her large new hat and black sunglasses and a white sun dress. She fit in the air. In the day. I thought that she had never been more beautiful. Smiling. Holding my hand and laughing.

The neighborhood was quiet. I thought it was a Saturday. People may have been out of town. A man a few houses up was mowing his lawn and I thought there was always a man mowing his lawn. That maybe it was the same man. Just going from house to house all summer and that maybe he was starting up a lawn care business and I thought that was good for him if he likes it, but I hated mowing lawns. Even though it smelled nice.

Our feet echoed down the street with each step and I sipped from my water bottle of Chianti and passed it to Bev. Marie wouldn't drink it and had decided she was saving herself for the tequila later.

"What's green and has wheels?" Bev asked, passing the water bottle back to me.

"A green car?" I asked.

"Nope."

"A John Deer tractor?" Marie asked.

"Nope."

A car drove by. It wasn't green and I could see a baseball field behind some of the houses. I thought it would be nice to lay in the outfield for a bit.

"You give up?" Bev asked.

"How do you get to that baseball field?" I asked.

"Hmm?" Marie said.

"The baseball field over there, do you know where it is? Like, how to get to it without cutting through lawns?"

"Nope. We could look if you want."

"No, it's fine. I'll find out eventually."

"Guys," Bev said.

"Jesus Christ, Bev," I said. "What?"

"Grass."

"What?" Marie asked.

"I lied about the wheels."

"Wonderful, Bev." Marie said.

"Oh come on, that's funny," Bev said.

"Sure," I said.

"Fuck you guys," Bev said. "Stop hoarding the wine."

I handed it back to her.

We rounded a wide corner. It was the last quiet bit before the main strip of the town and at the end of it the grocery store was nestled. It was a small store, not a supermarket, and despite the money it must have pulled in each year it looked like it had not been renovated since the early seventies. Inside, the floor had become uneven. The walls and ceiling had yellowed. There was too much inventory in too little space, but I assumed they eventually would sell it all and in the winter they probably didn't have as much. There was a cashier at her post and what I assumed was the manager with a clipboard slowly moving down the beer aisle.

Marie and I stood in front of the baking section while Bev disappeared somewhere else.

"So, what do you think?"

"I'm not sure. What do you want?"

"It's your birthday. I'll have whatever you want. Do you want to bake one or buy one?"

"Oh no, we should all bake. It'd be fun."

"All right, so which one?" She waved her arm in front of the shelf of red boxes as if presenting a game show contestant with a luxurious prize.

Cake never really appealed to me. It was a mash of flavored clump in my mouth. It tasted fine. It was a texture thing. This year however, I figured I'd try again. I tried guacamole a few years back and that had worked out well, so I figured I'd give cake another go. I liked the look of the German chocolate cake and took the box of the shelf.

"This is fine," I said.

"You want that frosting too?"

"What is it?"

"Looks like..." She looked over the frosting next to the cake mixes. "This one. Coconut-pecan."

"Sure, that sounds all right. Is that good with you?"

"Yep. That sounds good."

"What about Bev?"

"Bev," Marie said loudly into the air.

"Yeah?" Bev answered from a few aisles over, the beer aisle I assumed.

"German chocolate cake. Good?"

"Yep."

"Coconut pecan frosting?"

"Yep."

"Okay," Marie said to me. "We have a winner." We went through the store and picked up vegetable oil and eggs. Bev bought three twenty-twos for the walk home and they carded all three of us even though we had been buying from there and from that cashier for months. We left the store and as we moved back into the neighborhood, opened our beers and headed home.

Marie and Bev held hands and I kept a watchful eye on where I thought the entrance to the baseball field might be.

"What a nice day," Bev said.

"I'm glad your back," Marie said.

"Back?" Bev asked.

"From your head. From the crawlspace."

"I've got you guys. I love you guys."

"Well, it's good your back," Marie said.

"I can't feel guilty all the time. You guys were right. He made a choice and maybe I facilitated it somehow, but it was his choice."

"Have you heard anything?" I asked.

"Not really. I tried to call his mother the day before yesterday but it went to voice mail. I don't know, I'm assuming I would hear about anything. Someone in our circle would tell me."

"Yeah, that's probably true. No news is good news, as they say."

"Exactly. So I decided I wouldn't worry about it anymore and until, if, I hear anything, I'm going to wake up and spend time with you guys and we're going to enjoy the time we have left here. No sense in wasting it."

"I was just saying that to him the other day," Marie said.

"See, James? Your girls know what's up."

"My girls?"

"You know we're you're girls," Bev said. "Your posse."

Bev bumped into my shoulder as she walked.

Falls (Pt. 5): And Tom

8.

Hard splashes of red swept across the street and houses, broken into shards by trees and mailboxes and fences and over my legs and chest. Then blue. Red. An ambulance and two Sheriff cars were parked in front of the house. I stopped and stared and Marie ran on. Bev was in the street crying and yelling and Marie ran to her and wrapped her arms around her and Bev collapsed onto the ground and Marie went with her. I walked slow up the road trying to process everything through a days worth of wine and sun. On porches I saw people standing in house coats and with beer bottles and whispering to each other and I saw an Officer in the road talking to Marie as Bev wept in her arms. I could almost hear the CB in one of the Sheriff cars squawk and hiss and I tossed my water bottle into the bushes.

I walked slow up to the house and another officer was coming out. He signaled over the one that was talking to Bev and the two of them spoke quietly on the porch as I knelt in front of Marie and Bev.

Bev's make up had streamed down her face and she was weeping, not crying. |Deep heavy gasps and loud cries and the whole neighborhood was entertained. I could see Marie now was crying, though silently, and I knew she was being strong for Bev. I held them both tight and kissed the tops of their heads.

"I'll be right back," I said.

I stood and walked to the front porch. The Sheriff or maybe Sheriff's deputy stopped me. "Can't go in there."

"I live here."

The officers now seemed interested. "Oh?" He took out a notepad and small pencil. "What's your name, then?"

"What happened," I asked. "Where's Tom?"

"I asked you a question, sir. What's your name?"

"James. James Martin," I said. "What happened to Tom?"

"You live here a while, James?"

"Please, my friend, what..."

"Listen James, as soon as I'm done, only a couple questions, I'll have the EMT speak to you. But for now, answer my questions."

"I've lived here most of the summer. Since June."

"And it's been you, the two girls and your friend here? The whole time?"

"Yes." I was biting my tongue and attempting to look sober and calm.

"You ever do cocaine, James?"

"No, sir."

He was writing all of this down. I assumed he was writing this. He could have been practicing his political cartooning hobby. I didn't know. His partner, or the other officer at least, was staring at me unblinking. I assumed he was looking for some sense of a lie, some twitch or reaction that I was too drunk or uninformed to hide.

"You sure about that?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"What about the other two? The girls."

"I don't know, officer. Not that I know of."

"You don't know? Never after a particularly wild night at the bar? Fourth of July, maybe?"

"I have never seen either of them do cocaine, or anything else officer. We drink is all."

"Yeah." He scribbled something else down. "Go stand with the girls over there and I'll talk to you after."

Bev had stopped sobbing, but both her and Marie were still streaming tears and make-up and breathing deep. Bev's head was still on Marie's shoulder and Marie was holding Bev's hand. Their faces were red and puffed. Marie looked up at me, but Bev was somewhere else.

None of us knew what to say. I stared at the house. My heart was heavy. My chest ached. It was full night now. My chest ached and it was full night.

"Mr. Martin."

I turned and I could feel Marie's head turn with me. The officer was standing next to me. He seemed indifferent to the situation. He had seen it a thousand times. A thousand bodies. A thousand broken hearts. What did it matter to him? I wanted to hit him. The son of a bitch.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Let's step off to the side here and we'll talk."

I followed him a few steps into the darkness. He began to speak hushed. Not wanting the girls to hear, I assumed. "Well, looks like your friend overdosed."

"Jesus Christ."

"So, about the cocaine use."

"I had no idea. Is he alive?"

"Well, yes. His heart had stopped for a while, the EMT's didn't know how long, but he's comatose at the moment."

"The girl, Beverly, says she was here with him. That they had done it together."

I looked over at Bev and acted surprised but didn't have to act hurt.

"You still say you had no idea?"

"Yes, of course. But, fuck..." I dropped my shoulders. Exhaled. "What do we do?"

"Well, we're trying to contact his family. For now, I'm going to need to take Beverly in and have a conversation with her."

"Is she in trouble?"

"Can't really say."

"What about Marie and I?"

"You two are fine for now, but until we know a little more, just hang around for a while. Behave."

"We can do that."

The ambulance began to pull away, dragging the screaming reds and blues with it, and I looked and Bev stared at it as it drove and the weeping started again. The second officer walked over. "See you back at the station?"

"Yeah. I'm going to bring the girl in. I'll see you there."

"All right." The second officer nodded to me and walked to his car, got in and drove off as the first officer walked toward the girls.

I stood in the dark and watched as the girls stood and the officer led Bev into the back seat as she tried to stand straight and then they two drove away and I walked over to Marie.

"I don't... I..." she said.

I hugged her.

9.

It wasn't our house when we walked inside. Empty and drained. The lights were all on. The coffee table was shoved aside. The air was thick and the house seemed to stretch outward forever. A house in a dream. The ladder for the crawlspace was pulled down and I lifted it up and it slammed against the ceiling, closing. I walked into the kitchen and took two beers out, opened them, and brought them to the living room where Marie had collapsed on the couch. On one wall of the room there was a small portable radio that we sometimes brought to the beach. I turned it on soft and for whatever reason it was on an A.M. talk channel. It was only background noise. I sat down next to Marie and handed her a beer. She took it and sipped from it.

"I can't believe this," she said. Now she laid her head on my shoulder.

"I know."

"Do you think he'll be okay?"

"I don't know. He's alive."

"Yeah. He's alive, but I feel awful because then I think, for how long? I just, I don't know." She spoke with a soft tone that reminded me of losing a job I despised but depended on. 'Oh, I'm fired.'

I put my foot on the edge of the coffee table and sipped from my beer. "What did Bev say happened?"

"She didn't, really. Just that she was only gone for a minute and that things were fine. She was crying a lot."

"Yeah. Christ I'm glad he isn't dead."

"Me too. Poor Tom. He never even liked coke. It's so weird. He used to get all bummed about Bev doing it, and now..."

"He's done it before, though. More than a couple of times. It's not like he never touched it or anything."

"That's true."

"I think he just hated seeing Bev deteriorate, you know? Just, she isn't the girl he came out here with."

"She's not that bad."

"You saw her when we came home the last night. She was weird all night. Staring down some girl..."

"Amanda, she told me."

"Who?"

"Just, some girl. Bev really dislikes her."

"Oh, well, then she's tearing her clothes off and running around. I mean, That's definitely not the girl we knew before."

"I know. You're right, and honestly, he probably felt a little trapped here. Shit, before this, we barely knew either of them and if he broke up with her, he'd really have nothing."

"Yeah," I said. "That's pretty much what he was saying last night. He didn't want to turn into Bev and he didn't want to see her die and he didn't want to get trapped here. He said he needed to get out of here. I thought he was going to split this morning while we all slept."

"I think it's hard for me to understand them, you know?"

"Why?"

"I don't know, like, they aren't us."

"People keep saying that."

"Do they?"

"Yeah. I get it. We're a real couple. Fucking whatever."

"Don't sound so excited. What I mean is, if you developed something like that, a coke habit or whatever, I wouldn't abandon you, you know? It wouldn't even be an option. I'd get you help and I'd be your rock and you would never feel alone. But, that's just what he did, and he condemned her, and now... all because he went and did what he hated about her."

"We're going in circles, honey. He hated the way it affected her. And they were only together a few months. In the first few months I may have split also."

"You would have?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I probably would have to."

We drank our beers and the fog of the day was clearing. The excitement wore off and we fell asleep on the couch to the rhythmic static of voices on the radio.

10.

The next day I was in the crawlspace. Only a small beam of light came in through a vent at the end of the room. I could see the silhouettes of Tom's lamp and his guitar and his tape decks and boxes that weren't ours tucked into the corners. I sat on the floor in the middle of the circle of tape decks and looked from one to another to another. I wondered if he had finished whatever he had been working on. I wondered if he'd be back soon to finish it. Or back.

I stood up, careful not to move anything, and went back downstairs.

11.

Bev and Marie were on the porch swing. Marie had her legs out and Bev was sitting with her legs up and facing Marie. I could hear them mumbling from inside the house and when I went outside they stopped for a moment.

"Hey you," Marie said.

"Hey beautiful." I kissed her and sat in one of the plastic chairs. The air was cool under the roof and in the sun filled street it would be just above comfortable. A hinted breeze moved easily past us in gentle and light waves. Bev looked like shit.

"You okay?" I asked Bev.

She was staring toward her feet. Her hair was tangled and greasy. She wore a ripped red sweatshirt and I assumed underwear. "I don't know. I guess."

I looked at Marie. She spoke to me with a curving mouth and pulled eyebrows and wide eyes and it said 'What do we do now?' I had no idea. I shrugged and she looked at Bev.

"What time did you get back?" I asked Bev.

"This morning. I don't know. Sun was up."

"You slept yet?"

"Tried. Can't."

A tear rolled down her cheek. "It was my fault," she said.

"No," Marie said. "Tom makes his own decisions."

"No.  If it wasn't for me, none of this. None of this."

"I guess I could say the same thing," I said.

The girls looked at me. They both knew what I meant but neither agreed.

"No, I did this," Bev said. "I'm the asshole he hated. I'm the asshole with the fucking coke. I gave him the fucking coke."

"It's not like he's never done it before," Marie said.

"Yeah, I know, but, this time, you know. This was the time I made him do it."

"Bev, honey," Marie said. "You have to stop thinking like that. It was his decision. And honestly, it could have gone a lot worse."

"He's in a fucking coma, Marie."

Marie tightened her mouth. She had more to say but she wasn't going to.

"He could have died," I said.

Bev looked at me. Her eyes were swollen and yesterdays makeup was everywhere. She got off the bench and pulled her sweatshirt down to cover herself. "Yeah, that's a big fucking difference."

She went inside and slammed the screen door behind her. We could hear her stomp her way down the hall and then I heard the door to the crawlspace being pulled down, then heard it spring back up and Marie looked at me.

"Think she'll be all right?"

"Was she before?"