Sit in the ruins. The wood walls. The dark. The curtains I never liked. The table. The thick air. I've amps and guitars and stacks of unread mail, littered. I've lost.
An effort to wash the dishes. To check the mail. To keep going to work.
To wake back up.
I only see ghosts.
I only hear echoes.
I only feel for a world disappeared.
I did well for a while, I think. Kept believing I would turn around. Get myself together. Be better.
Surround myself with any distraction. Any attention. Anything.
Try new medications. Try therapy. Try sunlight. Try talking.
Lie in the dark and lie in the dark and become the dark. I can't look anyone in the eye anymore without pushing myself to the back. Disappearing. I am not real. I am not a person anymore. I am not who I was and I'm not coming back.
I see your efforts. I want so badly to be able to respond. To react. To be someone you deserve.
Any of you.
All of you.
I'm not though. I'm not and I don't think I can be and I am sorry. I used to be good, I think. Wasn't I?
Guitar in my lap. Beer in my hand. I keep my head rested on the arch of the old acoustic with the crack in it but I've since fixed the tuning pegs. The room is dark and too warm and I keep my foot tapping to Mazzy Star playing in the other room. It comes in waves.
It comes in waves.
I like to tell myself I feel nothing now. I like to believe that but it isn't true. I feel nothing I want to feel. That's the truth. I carry absence and the weight and the world disappeared and I keep trying to cover the hole. I keep trying to put something under my ribs where my goddamned soul used to be but nothing sticks. Not music. Not wine. Not whatever they've got. Not women. Not writing. Not wellbutrin or lexapro or zoloft or paxil. I am the unfixable Asa Morris. I am the as seen on TV Asa Morris. I am what you see is what you get. Because darlin', it's all an act now. And goddamn I wish there was some fucking substance to me, something for you to know. To get to know. To understand. To love. I wish you could have seen me then.
The Mazzy Star song starts over again. I have it on repeat and I have listened to it for days now. This is only a trough, I think. It comes in waves.
