Modern Fatherhood

Let me tell you about some shit.

Like far too many in my generation, I grew up a product of a “broken home”, or a “dysfunctional family”, or as I (and not my various guidance counselors) like to say, fucked. Dad was a junkie who kicked the shit out of my mom a lot. Mom was an artist (and a good one) who gave up her dreams to raise her kids, and take his shit. I remember going on more than one drug run. In fact, when we had a car, it was usually Sunday. All Sunday. My sister and I would have to play with the dumbest fucking kids of whatever dealer my dad hadn’t fucked over yet. The part that disturbs me the most? The kids seldom wore shoes. Regardless of which dealer they belonged to. That part is just weird and a little gross to me. Anyway, Dad would leave us for weeks and months at a time every year for some trollup, or to binge somewhere in the backwoods with the same shit kicking wastes he had known since his two years in high school. Dad was a real piece of shit. One time, I remember, abandoning the three not-him members of our family in the middle of frozen nowhere, Maine, with no money, no car, nothing. I remember crying and missing him terribly all the time back then. I also remember my mother stepping up to the plate, and taking care of shit. My mother kicked ass. She was just terrified of him. I can’t blame her. I was too, when I wasn’t vying for his attention, or approval.

I see the clichés. I know this is the story of every do-nothing waste you know. That’s my point. What the fuck was going on in the 80’s and 90’s that did that to men? Was it their reaction to over-bearing fathers of the earlier generations? Were they just 70’s free spirits that refused to grow old (and who now, if not dead, are finding they do grow old, and painfully)?

Today, of the people I know, I can say that I know quite a few single parents, a surprising amount of them fathers, and there would be more if not for “moms” that think since He broke up with Her then He doesn’t deserve to raise his child, so She can collect support, social services, and be able to bitch to her friends about Him, the deadbeat. Wow, I struck a nerve of my own, there. Point being, a lot of guys I know are trying their hardest to be Dads.

Yes, we were all treated like shit throughout our childhoods. Yes, we are all scarred from what we have been forced to see and experience. Yes, we are permanently fucked in a lot of ways, but there is a silver lining. That generation of shitty fathers have spawned a generation of Dads. Dads that hold their children above all else. We are not the over bearing fathers of old. We are not the neglectful, the abusive, or selfish. We are the loving, respectful, and supportive dads. Not all of them, no, but a HUGE number of us.

I had kids young, and it was not easy. In fact, I had my first only two and a half years after my father disappeared. I was fifteen. I was a fucked up young punk, filled with anger, and looking for destruction. But as soon as the baby bump showed, my life was changed. It took me a while to beat adolescence and become the father I wanted to be, but I eventually did. Not exactly what my sons mothers wanted. I fought them both tooth and nail for fucking years for things that the court automatically gives to the mother, and takes from the father. Let me just say that the State of New York does not make it easy to be a single dad. It’s almost as if they don’t want you to be. Fun fact; they don’t. New York state family courts actually make about 60 cents for every dollar they charge in child support, last I checked. Balanced, my ass.

Now, quickly, I have covered a little bit of ground here. Shitty 80’s fathers, 00’s dads stepping up, Baby Mommas, and family court. I have one last thing to say before I go;



Dads,

Hang in there. You don’t have to marry her. But love your kids. They deserve it.