Again

A letter came in the mail. My unemployment benefits had been suspended until I reported to the class at the Employment Office at 9:01 a.m. on Wednesday.

So Wednesday came.

I woke up late, alone, and fucking tired. I had six dollars in my bank account. Well, sixteen until the ten in gas from last night cleared. I couldn't decide if I should take advantage of that and put sixteen in the tank again or not. Who knew when my unemployment would clear up. I had already sat on that money for two weeks. I would put the gas in and close my account. I could always start a new bank account. I didn't give a shit about longevity. I didn't know if it mattered when it came to credit and buying a house or a car or whatever, but I didn't give a shit about those things either. It seemed like I owed money to everyone already. My landlord. The power company. The fucking I.R.S., the state. I just wanted to keep myself out of jail and breathing. At least for a little while longer.

I sat on the side of my bed and closed my eyes.

"Come back to bed," Defeat said.

I have to keep moving.

I stood up. I got dressed. I went to the bathroom. Pissed. Washed my hands and face. Put the remaining shreds of deodorant on and the plastic from around the edges of it tore at my armpits. Better scraped than smelling. I threw it in the trash.

I made coffee and leaned against the counter while it bubbled and dripped and filled the pot.

Defeat was a brunette with homicidal curves and a tight red dress and she pressed against me and kissed my neck and ran her fingers through my hair, down my back and "come" she said. "Let me have you." I did my best to ignore her and began to pace in the kitchen.

"Let go," she said.

No.

"Let go and you can have me."

I don't want you.

She bent and posed and tempted and the coffee stopped. I wanted her. I was getting nowhere. I was going nowhere. I had no plans. No idea what I wanted in life. My youth was fading quicker each day and any hope of success went with it. What difference would it make if I lived out my days, however many they may be, with her? My damned untouchable mistress.

I poured a cup of coffee and took it to the dining room table. The blinds over the window were open and it looked colder than yesterday, but still okay. I sat and stared out the window.

She pulled out the chair next to me and sat down, crossing her legs. Exposing her perfect thigh all the way up to the very curve of her. She leaned over the table and her dress held barely anything. "Look at me."

I am.

"No, look at me."

I looked. Her hair was long and almost black, in wave after wave. It spilled over her arm. Her eyes brown and endlessly deep.

"I'll be yours. Forever."

Leave me alone.

"You know I can't do that. I couldn't leave you. I'll always be here."

I ignored her and finished my coffee staring out through the blinds.

It was time to leave. I got up and put my cup in the sink. I felt her watch me. The chill on my neck. The weight in my chest. I put my jacket on.

"I'll be here when you come home."

I know you will be.

She bent forward. Teased me.

I left the house and went to the Employment Office. Again.