"Oh, good," I said. I had been grinding my teeth lately and a molar had crumbled. I could feel the grit and shards of it in my mouth and I tried to tongue them to the front of my mouth and spit them out but some of the pieces were obstinate and I had to pick them out with my fingers. The remaining edges of the tooth were sharp and cut my tongue as it slid by. I tasted copper in my mouth and it was a moment before i realized it was blood. I wouldn't be able to speak or eat comfortably for days.I went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, moved it and the blood around in my mouth and spit it into the sink. I could still taste the blood and my tongue hurt but it would fade and it had happened before.
I checked my phone. Still nothing.
I was getting impatient. If there was one thing I hated it was waiting around for people. I always had taken such care to be punctual and sometimes I thought I was the only one. I wondered if I had to begin to tell people how rude it is to be late, but I had taken such care to be polite.
The night was creeping in and the wind whistled through the trees near my apartment and through the screens in the windows I could hear it and the branches creaking and it smelled fresh and clean and I thought it might rain. I filled the glass with water again and instead I drank this one.
I hadn't been sleeping at all. It was showing. Earlier in the day I had walked to the gas station at the other end of my neighborhood and the girl behind the counter said; "You look older today." I paid for my things and felt older. In each bone. In each crease of my skin. In each disappearing hair. I was twenty nine then but I didn't think I had felt twenty nine in a decade. I took Valerian Root capsules. I drank red wine by the gallon. I jerked off and worked out and nodded off. It never stuck. I was always up after a half hour or so and staring at the fucking computer screen and pretending I was a writer and losing my goddamned mind and patience and libido.
I checked my phone again. Still nothing.
I had put on weight again. Only a few pounds, but it always stuck around my midsection and nowhere else so you always knew when I weighed a couple of pounds more. I worked out, but ate like shit and couldn't help it. I had heard of food addictions and always assumed it was another modern American line, but wasn't sure now. Old and fat and tired in the prime of my life.
My phone buzzed and I read the text.
"Be there in thirty seconds."
I turned off all of the lights in the apartment stepped outside and locked my door and the red car pulled into the driveway. I hadn't seen it in some time and I wasn't sure if I was glad to or not. My tongue still hurt but it wasn't much by comparison.
I climbed in.
"Hey you," Marie said.
"Hey."
"How've you been?"
"Fine."
She was quiet for a second. "Do you want to drive?"
"No, let's just go."
"Okay."
The sky kept on its darkening and the rain hadn't come yet and I wondered if she had fucked anyone lately and my chest cramped and I stared out the window.
"You look tired. You sleeping okay?" Marie asked.
"Not really."
"Oh. Have you tried using the Valerian Root again? It seemed to help last time."
"Not anymore."
"Oh. Well, you'll figure something out. You always do."
"Sometimes."
A folk singer I didn't recognize was on the stereo and the car wasn't as loud now as it had been when it was ours and not hers. I could never afford to fix it. We drove through town and I saw tiny splatters on the windshield and the rain began.
"Oh, of course," Marie said.
"Do you need me to come in with you?"
"I don't think so. I just have to file. I mean, you've filed things like this before, right?"
"Not like this, no."
"Oh. Well, I don't think so. I guess I just wanted to see you. Have some company."
"Okay." I kept looking out the window and listening to the nasally folk singer.
We pulled into the parking lot. There were many cars and the building was brick and one story and hadn't been renovated in some time. Marie pulled into a spot close to the door.
"Want me to leave the car running?"
"Sure."
"Okay. I should be right back."
"Okay."
She got out and shut the door and walked through the rain and I watched her walk and I missed her. My chest was filled with tar and mud and water and empty also. I watched her walk into the building to file for divorce.
I opened the car door and got out. The rain fell cool on my skin and on my face and in my hair. I needed a drink. I needed to breathe. I paced in the parking lot for a little while and decided to drive. I got in and watched the wipers.
Marie came back out and i couldn't stand the sight of her or how beautiful she was or how I wasn't to her.
I checked my phone. Still nothing.
I was getting impatient. If there was one thing I hated it was waiting around for people. I always had taken such care to be punctual and sometimes I thought I was the only one. I wondered if I had to begin to tell people how rude it is to be late, but I had taken such care to be polite.
The night was creeping in and the wind whistled through the trees near my apartment and through the screens in the windows I could hear it and the branches creaking and it smelled fresh and clean and I thought it might rain. I filled the glass with water again and instead I drank this one.
I hadn't been sleeping at all. It was showing. Earlier in the day I had walked to the gas station at the other end of my neighborhood and the girl behind the counter said; "You look older today." I paid for my things and felt older. In each bone. In each crease of my skin. In each disappearing hair. I was twenty nine then but I didn't think I had felt twenty nine in a decade. I took Valerian Root capsules. I drank red wine by the gallon. I jerked off and worked out and nodded off. It never stuck. I was always up after a half hour or so and staring at the fucking computer screen and pretending I was a writer and losing my goddamned mind and patience and libido.
I checked my phone again. Still nothing.
I had put on weight again. Only a few pounds, but it always stuck around my midsection and nowhere else so you always knew when I weighed a couple of pounds more. I worked out, but ate like shit and couldn't help it. I had heard of food addictions and always assumed it was another modern American line, but wasn't sure now. Old and fat and tired in the prime of my life.
My phone buzzed and I read the text.
"Be there in thirty seconds."
I turned off all of the lights in the apartment stepped outside and locked my door and the red car pulled into the driveway. I hadn't seen it in some time and I wasn't sure if I was glad to or not. My tongue still hurt but it wasn't much by comparison.
I climbed in.
"Hey you," Marie said.
"Hey."
"How've you been?"
"Fine."
She was quiet for a second. "Do you want to drive?"
"No, let's just go."
"Okay."
The sky kept on its darkening and the rain hadn't come yet and I wondered if she had fucked anyone lately and my chest cramped and I stared out the window.
"You look tired. You sleeping okay?" Marie asked.
"Not really."
"Oh. Have you tried using the Valerian Root again? It seemed to help last time."
"Not anymore."
"Oh. Well, you'll figure something out. You always do."
"Sometimes."
A folk singer I didn't recognize was on the stereo and the car wasn't as loud now as it had been when it was ours and not hers. I could never afford to fix it. We drove through town and I saw tiny splatters on the windshield and the rain began.
"Oh, of course," Marie said.
"Do you need me to come in with you?"
"I don't think so. I just have to file. I mean, you've filed things like this before, right?"
"Not like this, no."
"Oh. Well, I don't think so. I guess I just wanted to see you. Have some company."
"Okay." I kept looking out the window and listening to the nasally folk singer.
We pulled into the parking lot. There were many cars and the building was brick and one story and hadn't been renovated in some time. Marie pulled into a spot close to the door.
"Want me to leave the car running?"
"Sure."
"Okay. I should be right back."
"Okay."
She got out and shut the door and walked through the rain and I watched her walk and I missed her. My chest was filled with tar and mud and water and empty also. I watched her walk into the building to file for divorce.
I opened the car door and got out. The rain fell cool on my skin and on my face and in my hair. I needed a drink. I needed to breathe. I paced in the parking lot for a little while and decided to drive. I got in and watched the wipers.
Marie came back out and i couldn't stand the sight of her or how beautiful she was or how I wasn't to her.
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