Home Keys and Stimuli: Suicide

I tried unsuccessfully to kill myself four times in the last year.


A few celebrities have found more success (as celebrities do) recently, and the topic has come up more than it used to.




More attention.


More "sympathy".


More "love".



Roll my eyes.




I'm glad more celebrities are killing themselves.



Not necessarily that people are getting to the point that they see no escape beyond death, but that people with influence are screaming out



HEY THIS IS A FUCKING PROBLEM



THIS WORLD




THIS LIFE




I don't know every reason. I don't pretend to understand.


I have nothing but empathy for these people, because, at the end of the day, they're people. You, me, them. People. But, I do understand influence. In 2016 there were 44,965 suicides. 44, 960 of them were people unworshipped. Unnoticed.




I would have been right there with them.


I don't care about being worshipped.


or noticed.






And that's what bothers me.


I just want off. I just want out.



I'm done.








Don't take this the wrong way.
It isn't a note. It isn't a goodbye. I have love. I have a world I want to experience. That doesn't mean it doesn't sit in my chest.


In my experience, a lot of people don't understand that.


Depression, mania, this... this world. It isn't a mood. It isn't a choice. It isn't a trend. It's life. It is our experience. We have happiness. We have joy. We have love. There is a vacuum though, at the center. Pulling, dragging, eating. Constant and thirsty and relentless. We ignore and we live and we try to live, but there it is.



I see a surprising and hilarious amount of people online posting the suicide hotline numbers. Retweeting messages of reaching out. Finding help. Being saved.


And I find it fucking appalling.


You don't think we know those resources are there?


You don't think we know people can talk us down?


Of course we do. WE are ignoring them. Are they going to fix our imbalances? Are they going to pay our debts? Are they going to shift the world into accepting we are the people we are?

No. They are band-aids.


Post the number. Let your followers know you are a good person. Don't message us though, right...? You know who we are.


You know who we are.


Like, I said, this isn't a letter. This isn't anything.




I just want you to be happy.




That is all I want.








Please be happy.