A Brown Corduroy Dress

 I had been up for an hour.

Christmas morning, 2020.

It was 5:30 and the night before I had set the coffee maker to begin brewing at 7, but I got out of bed and turned it on. Pissed. Took my daily shovelful of vitamins, medications, and ibuprofen, and opened my laptop.

It wasn't that I couldn't sleep or that I was necessarily excited for Christmas. I slept fine, for four hours, and beyond the three day weekend, and in general, spending a day being able to express my love was not a bad way to spend it. But I wasn't Christmas excited. I was just awake. 

Elizabeth and I had decided to spend our Christmas Eve shoving large amounts of sandwiches and pie in our mouths and I physically ached afterward, certain my ribs were going to crack outward each time I moved. I don't mean that in jest. I was legitimately concerned. I assumed this had something to do with the early morning.

Over the last month I had begun having vivid dreams. Not lucid, and still dream-like in many ways, just more engaging and lifelike than my normal fare. Last night was no different. 

I was in the modest and nice home of friends I used to know, a different lifetime, asking their forgiveness. They were kind and obliged and we spoke and laughed a bit and when the conversation ended I stood with them by my car (one I do not recognize now) and I felt more complete. We said our goodbyes and that is when I woke up. 

Sure, the dream had it's elements of absurdity, such as a moment where I requested their butler give me a Pepsi because I was time traveling and Pepsi was apparently a "special" item, which I was aware of and put on an act ("Oh, wow. I haven't had one of these in so long! Oh, how special!"), but still it was vivid. Like many others had been recently. In fact, it wasn't even the first dream with similar themes I had had in the last year, where I had been time traveling to meet my friends in the future, tell them I love them. Ask their forgiveness, and say my goodbyes. Sometimes, the tone is more somber. But not this one. I felt stronger. A singular human capable of growth and acceptance and humility. I felt a bit more complete, in a way.

That feeling of completeness, and the conversation in general, was the focus of the first hour of my waking thoughts and though it was a dream seemingly out of left field, I was glad I had it and even now, I do feel a little lighter in being. 

Also of note; in the dream, I was wearing quite a nice brown/orange button up corduroy dress/jacket thing. A real beauty.

Sitting at the computer now. Typing. Waiting for the coffee to finish, and ultimately waiting for Elizabeth to wake so we can celebrate our day together, and I am thinking over my last few Christmas'. Particularly one I had written about only three years ago, toward the bottom of the pit, and the contrast. 

I'm thankful that I was able to hang on. I'm thankful for the people in my life who helped me hang on. I'm thankful for the dreams in which I can revisit and reconcile with people who are long gone into the haze somewhere, and I'm thankful for each morning now and especially this one, when even though I have had a few cups of coffee, I may go back to bed to just lay next to Elizabeth and take the moment to appreciate the fact that it exists. That I exist in a space within it. That I exist at all.

Good morning. Merry Christmas.