Don't Do Dumb Shit

 "Don't do dumb shit." Send.

And that's that.

Slip my phone into my back pocket and walk to the window. The grey November world. Bursts of orange. Soon nothing. A man across the street waves at a boy coming up the sidewalk and the boy waves back. I watch and absorb the moment. I imagine the love. The family. The connection. I am happy for them. I try to be, anyway.

I have nothing to say about it. I decide to say nothing about it. Let it be.

I was hungry but I'm not now. I am filled with gravel. Weight. Disappointment.  

Back porch. Pantry door. Cat room. Apples all over the ground. 

I try to shake it all out of my mind. It doesn't work. 

A mattress in the cold. A spider trapped in a birdhouse. A comforter in the grass.

They flood in. All I can do is wade through it. 

I pace my living room a few times, hoping I find my destination on the way. I don't. I'm nervous to sit. If I sit I'll think and that's the last goddamned thing I should do. Pace. Into the kitchen. Into the living room. The office, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room and on and on. I could already feel structures and wire frames building around it all. Building a larger explanation. A stronger narrative. 

Because of this...

That makes sense if...

This is a lie...

But I know it doesn't matter. It's out of my hands. I did what I could. I try to tear the narratives down. They aren't real. Even if I'm right, they don't matter. They only exist in me. They only affect me. 

I have a show later. I can focus on that. 

Knee deep in the creek. Torn out pages of music books. Hoverflys.

I go to my office, sit, and pick up my guitar. Capo 4, Asus4, C, E minor. Over and over. I sing the song. That spiteful jab. That leftover. That scar. I won't write about this though. I have nothing to say. I decide to say nothing.

The hours pass and soon I will have to leave and sing and smile but for a long time I sit in the dark office and let it wash over me. Let it come and soon it will pass. 

Unbroken shells among the rocks. Dead arm. Fermented lemon.

Let it come, and soon it will pass.

Soon it will pass.

 It will pass.

 

It will.