Color & Void

 No sleep.

Well, a bit of sleep. A couple hours maybe. Toss/turn. Aching back, spinning head. The alarm on my phone bounces into the air and off the walls and ceiling and the inside of my skull and I already knew daylight was here but I am pulled quickly from the dream. From the cabin and the conversation and the man in reading glasses making me feel small. Pulled from the dream and I am as awake as I will be for the rest of the day. Barely. 

I wonder how you slept.

Probably not well.

When you left you were solemn. Disappointed in yourself. I tried not to internalize it. You had work in the morning. You don't drink as much anymore. That good old shame. Cold and familiar and all consuming. I've seen you in it before. I hugged you. I told you it was okay. You apologized and apologized again. I asked you if you wanted to stay. To wake up with me. Make breakfast and coffee and suffer together. You had to get home. I tried not to internalize it. 

"I won't bring any of this up until you do," I said. "I don't want you to feel on the spot or embarrassed. But, I meant it. Just so you know."

Your eyes didn't believe me, or didn't want to. "You did?"

"I did. I do."

You held your look. I kissed you and lightly you kissed me back. You were nervous. Scared, and I couldn't blame you. I tried not to internalize it, but maybe I earned that one.

When you left, I went to sleep. Well, I went to bed. Laid in the dark. You called and I listened to you while you drove home. You were concerned. Scared. Nervous. Disappointed. All for one reason or another. I tried to reassure you, and I don't know if it helped. You said it did. I hope it did. But I don't know. 

We hung up and I closed my eyes and the house was mostly silent, save for the AC. Brain alight and heart full and heavy simultaneously. A thousand questions and a million gratitudes. 

Swirling, dancing thoughts and hopes, fears and dreams. Bursting into existence and flashing into death just as quickly. Color and shadow, light and void. Fucking brain. Shut up.

You on my chest. Your laugh into my neck. The scent of your hair, strands in my mouth and my hand in yours. Tell myself this could all be temporary. This might not mean what I want it to. This could only be a moment to live within. I try not to internalize it. My arm around you. My fingertips slowly tracing down your side. My heart... my fucking heart. Shut up.

Shut the fuck up and let me sleep.

It finally comes in shallow waves. The room is too cold. The muscles ache. The blankets tangle and disappear. Anxiety of the coming day. 

The alarm is off now and I am half propped against the wall, eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking coffee, hitting a mint vape and staring into the dim blue morning. My eyes are heavy and I feel fear and love, hope and something close to loss. The anticipation of it. I can't yet put thoughts or sentences together, but the feelings are there and burrowing slowly into me.

I pick my phone up, point it away from my face, and slide the brightness down. I look at it and there are no notifications. Relief and disappointment the same. I message you;

Jesus christ that was the worst sleep of my life lmao

Set my phone down. Sip my coffee. Hit my vape. Stare into the dim blue morning and recede back into myself. My brain, my heart. My love. My fear. 

lmao...