Not that I drink often, or even as much as a lot of people my age, wasting away every weekend in some smoky shit hole, but when I do, I tend to drink until the booze or the money runs out. And it usually seems (in retrospect) to be a race.
I also have a strong affinity for shitty beers. Especially Steel Reserve. It's cheap, and will fuck you up. If you have one, you will achieve a fair buzz. Two, and you'll be legally drunk. Three, and you will know you've crossed a line, Four? That's where I go. Where I tend to fall to, anyway.
Why is that? Well, I have a few defenses for it, but maybe not answers. First, I have led a very stifled life. Not unsatisfying, or bad in anyway (past a certain age), but just, boxed in. So, when I drink, I tend to let go completely. It becomes my eight hour vacation. When, for that period of time, I can smile, and laugh, and just not care because I have no other choice but to let go. Second, because I am shy. I don't particularly enjoy being around people, or small talk, or anything social really, but after long periods of time without it, I begin to crave it. An S.R. or two later, and I am mister social. Laughing, hugging, high-fiveing. It allows me to be the person I wish I was (sometimes). Third, it allows me to speak my mind. So often, I want to say whatever to whomever, but I don't, for fear of controversy. But I know that a few in, and I will be shouting it, begging for controversy. I am a happy drinker, but I am also an oblivious, and apathetic drinker. If a fight were to come my way, I would be in it immediately, although I probably wouldn't understand why.
The issue is, when I cross that fourth line, I tend to start becoming a fairly obnoxious shithead. All empathy for anyone around me goes out the window. I, apparently, become such a danger to myself that people around me feel the need to babysit me (whether or not I realize it). I start speaking much too loudly, and much too inappropriately. I have never been in trouble while intoxicated, but I can't ignore the fact that I have not only hurt feelings of people around me, but made myself look like a huge asshole.
People get drunk. People sometimes act poorly. It's cool. It's a forgivable, and often forgettable, offense. Maybe.
Sometimes though, one image, just one, could stick in someones head forever. One image of you standing up in a burrito bar calling people "Tel Aviv" at the top of your lungs. Laughs may be abound, sure, but maybe the one person that image sticks to is the one person you wish it hadn't. Could be a boss at a company party, or a friend, or family member out on the town. Could be anyone. And it could cast a terrible light on your person for much longer than you want.
That goddamn line.
I know where it is. Every time I pass it, I look down and see it. It says to me "Hey man, this is it. Are you sure?" And I say to it "Shut the fuck up." Because I'm an idiot.
Maybe I subconsciously force myself to ruin a good time. Maybe I am too apathetic to care. Maybe I need to start paying attention.
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