Why You Should Draw Dicks on Things

The weather sucks right now. It's been raining and grey for days. You're feeling down. Perhaps only a little, but you've noticed it. The forecast isn't looking to clear up that much any time soon, and all you know is that you need a little relief. Let me offer you a fool-proof method to smiling soon.

Draw dicks on things.

Let's try it now;

First, go ahead a try drawing the basic globe/shaft/globe version. Doodle it on paper. Draw a few of them. There you go, you got it!

Now, get a little experimental. Add hair, maybe a vein or two. Give it a bend. A little squirt, be disgusting. No one is around to judge you, and you can destroy your evidence later if you like, so it's cool. Draw a big angry dick, right now.

Well, christ, would you look at that monster.

Let's draw a cartoonish one. Minimize the details, and add some eyes and a mouth. Maybe a Stetson. Stetsons are cool! Yee-haw! Cowboy dick!

One more, and then we will move on to phase two. I'll let you decide what type of dick to draw. Serious? Funny? Artsy? Photo-realistic? Go to town.

Okay, wow, that's a fantastic dick you have there. You should be proud. Now, however, it's time for phase two. Hopefully by this point you feel comfortable enough in your dick-handling capabilities to allow that to be secondary to this next step...

Draw a dick on something that ISN'T paper. Something you can't dispose of. Somewhere hidden, but only a little. Are you at home? Do you live with people? How about a small, but recognizable dick on the inside of the medicine cabinet? Or maybe on the hidden side of the fridge? Just out of view.

Are you in public? Well, don't put a dick where a kid might see it, but somewhere for adults. For stuffy adults to be disgusted, and for fun adults to laugh. Be creative, make your dicks worth the effort. Don't put it somewhere it could easily be forgotten, or cleaned away. You want your dicks to stick around, to make people smile for generations.

Now, why are you doing this?

To be happier. If you've followed these instructions, think back. You just spent a fair amount of time drawing and imagining dicks. Smile. Weirdo.