Four Things I Never Finished.

1. How I became Atheist.

A friend recently told me he thinks I should write a rant on religion. I'm up for the challenge, but I doubt it will turn out to be what was hoped for.

Perhaps some background first?

I was raised Catholic. Went to church every Sunday, every Christian holiday. Went to Sunday School (or Catechism, depending on what town you were in and how traditional they were). I accepted the ideology as fact. I had no qualms with it. It was just what everybody did, and the stories behind it all were beautiful. So why wouldn't I walk right in to it all?

At one point (perhaps as a first communion gift), someone gave me a "children's bible" full of easy to understand stories, and full beautiful paintings. I read it all the time. Not because I was so hardcore about my religion, but because it was so cool to me. The history, the heroes, the ideas that came out of it (I truly hoped I was a David). This little children's bible may be the catalyst in what became a future of staunch atheism. You see, in it, there was the story of Christs birth, complete with a little background on the Virgin Mary.

Basically it went like this; the "Virgin" Mary was a good girl who loved God her whole life. She was the only human being who had never sinned. Because of this, God gave her her son, Jesus Christ. They lived happily ever after.

Okay, fair enough (even though the lesser known version of the tale also includes Christ's siblings, some of whom were older...). This was an idea I swallowed just as easily. I mean, Why not? God exists, so he can do what he wants. There have been billions of people who have lived, so there must have been one that didn't sin (SIDS babies excluded, apparently), it all made sense to my seven year old mind. Wait for it...

UNTIL

A little under a year later, I was trying to earn a religious Boy Scout pin. I forget what all of the requirements for it were, but at least one of them was that I had to have an in depth conference with the Priest, Father Gaffigan. We discussed all manner of our faith. Apostles, teachings, pre-Christianity (when God was an angry fellow), and finally SIN.

Father Gaffigan said to me; "Everyone sins."

"No," I said, having been reading my children's bible for a year.

"Yes, Asa, everyone. Everyone who has ever lived, and who ever will live, has sinned."

"Not the Virgin Mary."

I remember watching his face smooth over, and then he smiled at me. "Well, that's true, but that's a different story."

"Why?"

"Because she was Jesus' mother."

"But not before she had him."

"It was always in God's plan that she would be, though. God kept her pure so she could be Jesus' mother."

"Then why can't God keep everyone pure?"

"Because he want's us to try to keep ourselves pure."

I didn't understand. First, it seemed to me like Mary, for whatever reason, got a free ride.


2. Behind a Bar.

"I think we should fuck." I said. "You know, eventually."

She nodded. "Sure."

She was wearing a tight black dress. Red heels. Her figure perfectly accentuated. Her calves thick and full of life. Begging to be grabbed and raised up to my shoulders. Her hair black and long. Her face pale and beautiful.

"When?" She asked.

"I don't know." I was stumbling through my fourth Steel Reserve in twenty minutes, and barely able to keep my spine up, much less my dick. "When I see you next."

We were standing in the back parking lot of a bar. Long time friends. Well, acquaintances, I suppose. We had only hung out a few times, but we had always got along. I think most of that stemmed from the completely unforgiving stirring she gave my tenders.

"Who knows when that will be." She said. "Why not now?"

I smiled. "Well, beautiful, if you haven't noticed, I'm about a breath away from alcohol poisoning."

"I could nurse you back to health." She said, coming in close to me, wrapping her arm around my side.

"You could try." I said.

She tightened her arm around my waist and leaned in to kiss me. I pecked at her lips. "Baby, it just isn't going to happen." I hated myself as soon as I said it. I've wanted it to happen for years. The very idea of it had been the ruin of many a towel and tee shirt.


3. Suicide.

Sometimes, when I look at someone, their sad shuffling, their stretched out sweatpants, their frown, I wonder "Why haven't you killed yourself yet?"

Then, I wonder if anyone has ever thought that about me. A moment of panic sneaks through me and I wonder if I should kill myself. You know, just to be safe.

Of course, I never do. But it's funny to me that it's a thought that can pass so easily. That the idea that I'm not living up to what someone else might consider "the life" is enough to snuff out whatever meek existence I've created. Goddamn, I'm a fucking idiot. A living idiot, but an idiot none the less.

Now, I'm not one of those people who is going to condemn suicide. I have known suicides. I have seen the effects. I have seen the causes. I have strongly considered (as any rational person probably has, regardless of what they tell you) it myself. As someone who knows both sides, I can sympathize.

4. Making Trouble for Myself.

Sometimes, I find myself writing about shit that needs no place recorded. Some opinion, memory, or fantasy.