Blue, Endless, Serene.

I was eating less. It meant nothing. It was probably just because it was so fucking hot out. I drank okay, but that was it.

I was laying in the City Park of Lake Henry, staring at large billowing clouds however many miles up, and the great valley of water below them. Marie was working, and I had gotten bored at the house. I hadn't worked in a couple of weeks, and I was out of money, so, I was out of wine. I just laid in the grass, dreaming.

I could hear people and their pets and families scattered around me, enjoying the summer. I could hear motor boats on the water. Cars driving by, and a radio somewhere behind me. A man going on and on about God, donations, and republicans. I wondered if someone was actually listening to it, or if in a moment of clarity, someone had decided to hurl the fucking poison out of a moving car. I couldn't bear to look and find someone sitting intently next to it, nodding along.

I had my book with me, but I wasn't reading. It was a pillow. Somewhere, someone was looking up at these clouds, someone with the perfect life. Someone who was exactly where they wanted to be. Someone in peace. It wasn't me. It's funny how everything can be fine. People leave you alone, you don't have to clock in or out. No one is counting on you at the moment, and you can still feel panicked. It was the awful argument against all I wanted to believe, that life could be lived only in the moment.

I knew it was a stupid point of view. A short lived ideal. An immature, unsustainable lifestyle. But goddamn if I didn't want to believe it.

The sky was perfect. Blue, endless, and serene. Beyond it, darkness, stars, and mysteries that rendered everything below it immeasurably meaningless.

There I laid. Avoiding trying.