Garbage Christ Strikes Again.

Did you ever want something so fucking bad you briefly consider killing yourself because you are certain you'll never have it? I think of myself as fairly non-consumerist. I don't want much. I don't need much. I appreciate the things I have (sometimes perhaps much more than they deserve), but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't occasionally desire. Maybe I never actually consider suicide over shit like that, but once in a while I'll think of something.

The Quiet Earth on Blu-Ray.

A high-rise loft over looking the Mediterranean (and all the booze, free time and everything else it includes...).

The complete run of "The Maxx" (first editions, of course).

These aren't big deals. None of these things really matter. None of their absences will have any bearing on my life whatsoever. None of them would truly change my life (if I had the loft, it would have already been changed). Yet, I want them so fucking badly. I lust after them. I can't have them and it drives me crazy.

I have a habit of looking down on people that want. New cars. New houses in the suburbs. Brand names. It's not a great habit, and it makes me feel shitty when I realize, I'm no different. I might fight it a little better, but I still WANT. I don't want those things, but I want. I want experiences. I want a cliff-side blowjob from a squad of Argentinian cheerleaders. I want to stay for months on my own private hut in Tahiti. I want to find total enlightenment and physical gratification (opposing forces by most schools of thought, I know), I want a body that gods would desire. A personality so magnetic, my presence cause others to kill themselves with desire and jealousy. Tell me that isn't as bad as wanting a shiny new car.

So, who the fuck am I to go on saying "consumerism is evil". It's the same fucking lust fulfillment I crave, with different products. Argentinian cheerleaders don't blow broke homeless drifters. A private hut in Tahiti isn't free. Books, teachers, and travel all cost money. Gym memberships, health food. The list goes on. It doesn't matter what it is that we all want, the thing to remember, for me anyway, is that we all want. No matter how many times I defend people, that I think of as lesser, as my equals ("the poor are my people"), the fact remains that I initially see them as needing defending. As if I am some Blue Collar (or no-collar) Messiah. Some garbage-Christ. I am as self-obsessed and lusting as anyone else. I want. I desire. I need. Nothing will ever truly be good enough.

The important part is that I recognize it.

I am human. No better, no worse.