Laying in the Dark and Listening to the Air Conditioner.

I can never sleep through the night after drinking beer. I sleep for a few hours, and somewhere between two and three I wake up and stare at the ceiling until I can't stand it and I get out of bed and pace around my house until I can't stand that either and by then hopefully the sun is up and I can go about my normal routine of not knowing what the fuck to do with my time.

I spend a lot of time wearing paths into my living room carpet wondering what I should be doing and how I could be happy. I always have the thought "I could be out there, right now, starting a business, building a legacy, something." I just never know what that really means. I have never been one to give a shit at all about money, though I understand its value. I have never been one to focus on anything for very long. I have never had an understanding for business, though I pick things up remarkably fast. In the end, I just don't think I have the head for something like that. Morris Plumbing and Electric. Morris' Comics. Morris Records. Morris' Baked Goods. I don't give a shit about any of it and  I think that may be a large defect in my personality. Some innate inability to "succeed". 

I spent the better part of this early morning in the dark listening to the air conditioner and trying to convince myself that I can see the world as a business plan, just as I see it as musical notation and short stories. Naturally. It wasn't happening and I wonder if I always saw the world as music and words or if I conditioned myself to see it that way over time. I wrote my first short story (that I can remember) in second grade. It was about four friends who fight earthquakes. It had four sequels and I can't remember a time when I didn't have melodies mapped out in my head and drum beats in my toes. Can a new mindset be learned? Can it coexist with the one I have? I don't think I could live in a world that wasn't represented by songs and stories. Maybe that's a bit idealistic of me and a little immature, but I don't know of anyone (save for maybe Sir Richard Branson) who view the world as a business plan and a ledger and aren't stressed to the tits over it. 

Richard Branson is Tony Stark.

I had a conversation recently about the market crash in the later half of 2008. I had a little under fifteen thousand dollars in a money market account and over the course of a few days, lost nearly all of it. That was more money than I think I will ever have at once ever again and it disappeared faster than I would have been able to spend it. I kept going to work (until I didn't) and I went on doing whatever. Writing music, probably. While I diddled away on my guitar in my living room, bankers who were worth millions, who had millions, who could have lived the rest of their lives on the money in their damned couch cushions, were jumping out of twenty story windows because they lost some of it. These men (to use the term loosely) were killing themselves because millions wasn't enough. Stressed to the tits.

I want success. I want to be happy. It just seems that when I try to blend the two a sort of fog settles around me and I can't see past the end of my nose and nothing makes sense. Some people are good at math. Some people are good at kayaking. What depresses me is I rarely see a whitewater accountant.