Dude, Your Shit's So Dark

"You know, I saw your post. About hiding in a corner and pretending to be on your phone?" En handed my card back to me and I tapped 25% on the tip screen. "And that's exactly what you're doing."

I laughed. "Yeah. I guess it is." Put my card in my wallet, wallet in my pocket. "I wasn't lying. I don't do well at these things."

"You are though. You're doing well."

"Thanks," I said and smiled. Took the red blend back to the table in the corner where I had been hiding, took my phone out and sat down. 

I had been there for an hour or so and was still nervous. 

Grace had put it together. A couple dozen area artists in a gallery downtown. A few friends of mine, a few strangers, all fantastic. I didn't belong there. Kept glancing over at the pillars where a few of my paintings were hung. People would walk by. Stop for a moment. Move along. I was trying to give the pillars a wide berth. I didn't want to overhear people talking about it. I already knew what they were, but I didn't need to hear it from anyone else. I didn't belong. 

I was late to the opening. Left my house an hour early but sat at a restaurant and had a couple drinks to kill my nerves. Didn't work, but I was late all the same. 

My mother and her partner came and I walked and spoke with them for a while. Nervously clutching a wine glass and trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. Trying to not let my hands shake so much I spill the wine over my white tee shirt. Introduced them to Grace. Introduced them to Lee. A few others. Pointed out my friend's work and some work I admired otherwise. The tour ended quickly, a half hour or so, and I was still nervous. I didn't know what else to say or show but I did know that I had to mingle or talk if I wanted to do something with any of this. I said my goodbyes to them and saw Paul and his girlfriend in a corner and spoke to them for a minute.

Moved along. Wine glass mostly empty. Nerves like television static.

Spoke to Lee. Spoke to Grace. Spoke to Dani. A few others. Around and around the room. Over and over. 

I heard my name and saw someone standing near my paintings and Grace pointing at me. Avoided eye contact. 

Amy came with Farrah and I followed them around for a bit while I began to loosen up. Joseph came and there was a thought somewhere under the surface but I buried it wih the rest of them. I also thought about killing myself again and how I could and how I should and how I probably would, then buried that with the rest of them too. Another day another ideation. 

The fire alarm went off. We all stood outside and I thought that if the building caught fire and the paintings were destroyed it'd be my best sale of the night. The insurance. Casually, maybe a little more than casually, I liked the idea. 

In a crowd I stood on the sidewalk, clutching another red blend in a small wine glass and smiled with friends I had known for years and people I had just met and I wasn't nervous anymore. The blue and red lights from the fire truck danced through the summer night downtown, a band somewhere in the street played steadily nearby. A crowd of folks laughing at the absurdity of it all. 

Stood on the sidewalk, clutching another red blend in a small wine glass and smiled with friends. Happy I came. Happy to be invited. Happy to be a part of something. 

Happy to be loved.

When I got home Michael texted me.

"Dude, your shit's so dark."

"I didn't see you there," I said.

"I came late. They let me in to look. Come out."

I sat for a minute. I didn't like being out. I didn't like being around people anymore. I wasn't comfortable or wanted in those places, but I hadn't spent time with Michael in a few years.

"Okay."

I got dressed again.